{Let’s be honest} When we lose control

As much as I like this blog to be my happy place, my little corner of perfect world, sometimes things happen in life and I think it would be cheating to not talk about them here too. This is not easy for me to write, but I feel like I have to do it so I can fully move on.

A few weeks ago I mentioned to you guys that I was having a rough week. The truth is, it was a very rough week, because I was expecting a baby and that Wednesday I lost it. I had never experienced that before, I had always been lucky and only had easy, uneventful pregnancies with the girls. Losing the baby was very painful, physically and even more emotionally. I was sad for that little baby we lost, and for our dreams gone, but mostly I was very scared because I felt like my life was completely out of my control.

And although I am starting to feel better now, I still feel a bit out of control, a bit out off balance. I took this picture of Olivia last summer while she was climbing a wall at my parents’ house, right before she lost control and slid all the way back down – that’s a bit how I’m feeling right now, like I just slid down. And I am sure you’ve felt the same before – maybe you never lost a pregnancy, but maybe you lost your job, or maybe it was a relationship that ended that you didn’t want to see end.

What do we do when we lose control? What can we do? Well, as far as I am concerned, I started taking control over all of the areas in my life that had fallen behind over time: I redecorated the girls room, I finally put all our pictures in family albums, I scheduled doctor and dentist appointments that were long overdue….listen, I even created an EXCEL spreadsheet to plan our finances for heaven’s sake – uh uh, you heard me right, me in Excel! Whatever it was that I could find I could control, I did. And it helped make me feel better, mostly because it took my mind off the things that I could not control. It kept me busy. And I know I’ll climb that wall again – and hopefully, soon enough, we’ll try again and everything will be ok this time.

So tell me, what do you do when you feel you’re losing control? All answers welcome, including hiding under the covers and stuffing your face with ice cream :)

PS: Happy Spring – I promise I’ll be back with more cheerful posts tomorrow!

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23 Responses to “{Let’s be honest} When we lose control”
  1. melissa says:

    I am so sorry. It’s weird in moments like this, it’s really hard to know what to say. I am better at grabbing people and just giving them a hug.

    For me when I lose control I 1. Like you take control in what I can control 2. take control in my own perspective and 3. Do something else to get my mind off of it until I can go back and think clearly.

  2. Anouk says:

    When I feel like I loose control, I stop fighting and try to put trust in that slide that is taking me. I strongly believe that life is taking us somewhere. When you lose something, you gain something else in return. Maybe it’s time for you to stop having control and start having faith. Let things go and see where it takes you. Sometimes it feels good to be driven. Does it make any sense ? Ice cream can be part of the journey.
    I am sorry for your loss, I hope everything will be okay.

  3. I am so sorry! Your honesty creates so much sympathy for you! I would like to give you a hug and I send you many good wishes! :) Life isn`t always joy and fun, and that`s good though we might not like it. I think of you and hope you`re well!!

  4. Chloe Moon says:

    I am utterly sorry to hear about your loss. I’ve personally haven’t experienced it but I cannot imagine how your mind must be all over the place. Recently I’ve felt very out of control and knew that if I didn’t change my ways…I was going to fall flat on my face and not know how to get back up. Excel did wonders for that and I got a planner and I spoke up in social circles and in my relationship. We have to find our voices and ask for help is something that I feel is helping me get in control.

    Again, I’m sorry to hear about your loss and wish you all the best recovering! *hugs*

  5. Oh, Audrey. I’m so, so sorry to hear this.

    I’ve got to say that this is a very timely question for me, and I’m not sure I’ve figured out what I should be doing now that I have decidedly lost control. I’ll tell you what I have been doing…eating without willpower, keeping myself busier than I would have thought humanly possible, and crying myself to sleep about 70% of the time.

    I’ll be thinking about you, friend.

  6. Briana J says:

    my heart aches for you!! i think you are doing amazingly well, diving into those things that are productive energies!! i didn’t know very many people who had miscarriages when i experienced the first soul wrenching loss. i was completely unprepared for the feelings that i experienced after losing my baby, how could you prepare really? a little something that helped me after losing my first baby was to buy something that i could hold. that sounds so silly, but i felt like i needed to hold something. i bought a body pillow that had a beautiful quilted cover. i slept next to it, i cried into it … for awhile. i didn’t want to forget that child, i wanted something to look at and remind me of them. i am grateful for my faith that gives me hope of seeing my child someday, so the pain has mostly left but that silly pillows gives my mother heart something to hold for now.
    thank you so much for sharing, i know that is difficult

  7. Laura says:

    I’m really sorry to hear about your terrible loss :( You must be a very strong person to keep things going. I cannot imagine what it is like to lose a baby. I have a toddler son and I can burst into tears even from the thought that something ANYTHING could happen to him. Just the idea itself gives me feeling I’m out of control. So I’m a bad advisor. Maybe sticking to those that you love, concentrating on things you already have, like time spent with dear people, would help you come over (if it’s possible at all). Good luck, I wish you bright things, little nice everyday things, small beautiful details to help you find yourself again. Take care..

  8. Lara says:

    I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost two myself, and it really sucks. I’m glad you are finding productive ways to manage your grief and feelings of loss. Be sure to be kind to yourself and allow yourself space to grieve, as those feelings can ebb and flow for quite a while.

  9. Val says:

    I am sorry to hear about your loss I been there I lost 3 . And yes one looses control but some how time and love cures everuthing. Hope you are doing better.


  10. Soaz says:

    love love love :)
    and time time time …
    is all you need.
    I am so sorry that you are so far and me so busy, and that I cannot find any “curing” words when talking to you :(
    But I trust you my gogole, you ‘ll be fine soon, tu envoies du bois, t’es la meilleure, tu remonteras la pente très vite!
    Je t’aime fort <3

  11. Clemence says:

    Oh, Audrey, I am so, so sorry for your loss.

    I love this picture of your beautiful daughter- she is losing control, but she still has that happy face, maybe because she knows that she will always find comfort and support in her loving family.

    I also love that you are finding ways to manage your feelings of loss (I admire you so much for that) and that you are starting to feel better.

    Je pense bien à toi ♥

  12. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Sending you peaceful, healing thoughts. I knew a couple who recently lost their first child, their honeymoon baby, after 12 hours. The loss of a child, whether in utero, at birth or afterwards, seems to be such a terrible, unimaginable experience.

    When I’m losing control I like to have a cup of tea & read a magazine or a book ALONE. It helps me!

  13. I’m so sorry for your loss, Audrey. I can’t even imagine going through that grief. But, you’re lucky that you have your husband and two lovely girls to support you!! You are surrounded by those who love you, just look at all the lovely blog comments!

    This may sound strange, but ever since I was a teenager, when I was stressed or anxious or sad, I would take a long, hot shower. I just sit there, let the water wash over me, and try to decompress. I feel like its a quick 30 minute escape from life.

    I hope you’re feeling better – hang in there!

  14. Clotilde says:

    C’est une épreuve bien difficile, Audrey, et je ne saurai trouver les mots qu’il faut…Pourtant, j’ai vécu la même chose, avant Eliott, la douleur, la sensation de ne rien contrôler, l’incompréhension…et ce corps qui te rappelle sans cesse ce que tu as perdu.
    Mais les jours, les semaines puis les mois passent, les bonnes nouvelles reprennent le dessus…Je te sais assez forte pour que tu saches rebondir comme il le faut, je n’en doute pas une seconde. Oh, je ne dis pas que c’est facile ou que tu oublieras, mais la vie reprendra le dessus et toute cette douleur deviendra un souvenir, douloureux certes, mais un souvenir.
    Courage à vous 2, on pense bien fort à vous.

  15. Laurel says:

    You and your beautiful family are in our hearts and prayers. Thank you for your bravery and honesty. I wish you health, healing, and happiness as your heart remains in memory of your littlest.

  16. ebabee likes says:

    Audrey, I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you love and thinking of you. x

  17. CiaoChessa says:

    I’m so sorry to learn that you are going through this experience. All I can say is that I’m thinking about you and your beautiful family. It’s amazing all the tests that we have to go through in life – our strength and our hearts are constantly challenged and people say it’s “for a reason” that this or that happens to us but when you’re in that difficult moment it’s hard to see it. When we see each other next week I’ll tell you about one of the many times in particular that I felt like I had no control over anything. Thanks for sharing this extremely personal story. x

  18. Margaret Polino Nicholas says:

    It is hard to admit we do lose control. But the truth is the truth. I tend to get extremely crabby. To everyone. Not right and I need to work on that.

  19. Margaret Polino Nicholas says:

    Also I am so sorry of the miscarriage . I lost a little girl at two. It’s grief even when it is a miscarriage .

  20. so so sorry to hear about your loss. I have never personally experienced anything like this, and can only imagine what you are going throuh. 2 of my girlfriends lost their babies at 9 months (actually a stillbirth). I was amazed to learn just how common this is, even in today’s world of modern medical advances. both of my friends struggled (obviously) with the loss and the tragedy, and in very different ways. what got them through was honestly sharing their feelings with loved ones, and relying on those people to be their rock. for me, generally I just lose it, there is usually hysterical crying going on, and then I just completely need to do nothing, sleep, and expect my hubby to take over (which he does). then I often do like you, and go crazy taking control,of whatever I can. thank you for being so brave and sharing your oh-so-personal story. xo andra

  21. Oh, I am so, so sorry to hear that. I think what you did, to cope, is what I would do too. I tackle tasks that have been waiting to be done. Or hide under the covers and eat ice cream, that’s good too. OR both! Wishing you all the best & a huge hug.

  22. Justine says:

    Unfortunately, I know exactly what you are going through and I’m so sorry for your loss. It is harder than one can rationally fathom.

    Parenthood is a continual lesson in learning how to let go of all concepts we ever had about being in control of our lives.

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